After spending the last year as a bi-coastal nomad, I haven’t been the best at maintaining my workout and eating habits and as a result I have gained 17 pounds.
Despite adding those extra pounds and turning 40 this year, I have learned to love myself even more deeply as a result turning my own personal empowerment education up a notch this year.
However, the thought of being filmed for the world to see when I’m at my “heaviest” weight forced me to come face to face with my deepest desire which is, to love my body and feel sexy no matter what weight or age I am.
You see, the thing about desires, as I have come to know (and teach), is that when you live in to them, and find the most pleasurable way to enjoy the conjuring of them, they are guaranteed to manifest.
Note the part I said about enjoying the waiting period.
The tricky part is being able to recognize and receive ones desires when they show up. And this, my friend, is where I had the biggest opportunity for growth and transformation in my nü Icon experience.
You see, about two months before I got the invitation to participate, I had made a commitment to go one layer deeper within The School of Womanly Arts by signing up for their highest level program.
When I was presented that program, I watched the dozens or more graduates of that program strut their beauty (all shapes, sizes and ages) across the stage, unapologetically, in all sorts of revealing and sexy clothing.
Those ladies were the best representation of women owning their power and expressing body confidence that I had EVER seen. I knew I had to have that! These women were living proof of my desire and what seemed to be the pathway to it.
Fast forward to the day I got the invite from Laura Hollick to be one of her nü Icons representing the color yellow. Not only were the stars perfectly aligned for this opportunity but it also felt like a perfect way to be in pleasure and joy around my body desire.
When I showed up in Canada to do the filming, I had no choice but to own and embody all of me, extra pounds and all. It’s what I had to work with and the body I was there to love.
Through the process Laura took us on, I became even clearer about my Iconic Essence and because I was chosen to represent the color yellow a lot of energy of my former business, The RAY magazine started to come forward.
Not so ironically, I had started The RAY magazine because of my personal struggles with body image and though the magazine has since evolved into my current Fun, Fabulous & Feminine offerings which are still designed to help women own and express their full radiance. It is all is still very much my main mission.
One of our past RAY taglines was, “A Source To Empower Your Inner Light” and now here I was, coming full circle in many ways to live and fully embody the message of The RAY in a whole new light while truly shining my inner light for the world to see in all it’s yellow radiance.
Here’s where the real magic came through.
During the photo shoot, I went for it. And I mean I really went for it.
I dove head first into expressing the full radiance of my iconic essence by choosing to bear it all in a very fun and artistic way. It was a blast and I felt very aligned and great about what we had created for my image.
And then I got the photo.
Interestingly enough when one desires and asks for something as big and bold as full appreciation and complete acceptance of my body, it doesn’t just happen. It’s a choice. And the moment I got the photo I was faced with that choice.
But because of the skin I was still shedding and the old “script” I was still running about myself, my first reaction to the photo was devastation.
I took one look at my photo and wanted to crawl in a hole from shame and embarrassment. How could THAT possibly be my iconic essence???
I was mortified. Clearly this was not the reaction I desired from being a part of this experience.
What I did next changed everything. I breathed through it, did my deep internal work and got on the phone immediately with Laura to discuss my feelings. I knew that I was committed to seeing this whole thing differently and deeply desired to turn this around. And, I knew that regardless of my perceived perception, there was more to be seen and understood.
Laura, in her infinite and shamanistic wisdom had a sense that perhaps my reaction was simply the perfect workings of the “medicine” of this process (that’s the whole point of the nü Icon vision quest).
After speaking with her and having her expertly guide me to reclaim my desire to love and accept my body and be able to walk across the “proverbial” stage of life in full ecstatic expression, no matter what size I was, I looked at my photo again and burst into tears.
There it was! I had arrived.
My nü Icon photo was the fullest and most divine expression of my radiance I had ever seen! And here was my desire, fully manifested in all it’s glorious form for me (and the world) to see.
Now was the real moment for me to make my choice… to see, own and express that which I had within me all along.
It was time to receive that which I had consciously conjured and already possessed.
And in the words of Glinda the Good Witch, “You always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”
So, if you follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road that I have paved for you, I am curious, what do YOU most desire that might already reside within you? And what will it take for you to bring it forward?
Share your answers to these questions below.